Solo travel is absolutely terrifying. It’s also the best thing I’ve ever done.

Self confidence had always been a sticking point for me. This was exacerbated, not exclusively, by having Type 1 Diabetes. The target blood sugar range for Diabetics is between 4 and 7 mmol/L. After a prolonged period of Diabetes burnout, my time in range was not on target. If it was a game of darts, my time in range was the dart that gets stuck in the wall beside the dart board…

*Image source: Reddit*

For a very long time, any readings which were out of the 4-7 range were PERSONAL. High bloods? I was a failure. Low bloods? I was inconsistent. They’re rising again?? I was undisciplined and inadequate. Every notification from my sensor had too high a stake in my self worth on any given day.

My response to not producing the correct hormones in my body was fear, impatience and frustration. But it wasn’t personal. Once I saw these numbers as JUST numbers and not a reflection of my personal traits, my negative self talk decreased. Doubts surrounding my capability to take care of myself still lingered, and solo travelling certainly extinguished them for good.

It seemed that adjusting my mindset was just as powerful as adjusting my insulin doses. 

Transforming my self confidence happened throughout my travelling experience. But the easiest place to start is probably at the beginning…

Part 1 – Me, Myself and Malaysia

When I landed in Kuala Lumpur, I was embarking on my first experience of solo travel. Three things were absolutely clear:

1. I needed the toilet and there was no one to watch all my bags.
2. I could barely carry all my bags.
3. I was completely alone.

Once I’d cleared customs, I withdrew my Malaysian ringgit, brought myself a sim card and called myself a Grab taxi to my hostel. Kuala Lumpur was full of skyscrapers and street art in every colour.

The hostel was nestled in an aesthetic apartment complex. With the humidity, the weight of my bags and the language barrier, I was struggling to find the accommodation. Fortunately, a girl came to my aid and invited me out with a group of girls that night. I was hopeful and my anxieties subsided.

A few days later, the group I had met were leaving the country and I too was moving hostel. The new hostel room revealed two old naked men in the bunk beds beside mine. My bags were in my hand before the door had shut behind me.

Moving to a private accommodation and then getting ill meant that my social interactions quickly became limited. Worries about whether I would meet people again and who I would talk to started to spread. I no longer felt safe in KL and had never been more alone.

Due to the humidity, my insulin absorption increased and so did my hypos. I have never needed help with treating a hypo, but the lack of people around became another thing to fear.

I managed to check back into the original hostel and met an amazing group of people that night. They were all moving on the next day, but it would be enough.

Everyone I met was moving on and I was still not confident as a solo traveller. I remember struggling to sleep at night and feeling ungrounded and alone.

Kuala Lumpur was a great starting point. However, I wasn’t feeling confident leaving the city centre alone and heading to popular spots like Cameron Highlands and Penang. It was during my time in this city that Highs, Lows and Hypos started to form. My journey of solo travel and self confidence was only just beginning.

Part 2 – The Bungee Boost

When most people sign up for a Bungee jump, it’s for a bit of fun. Admittedly I wasn’t expecting to leave the AJ Hackett site in Queenstown, NZ feeling like I’d been life coached to jump head first off a 43m platform.

As my fear started to build, I searched for answers in my blood sugar. Only to find that my blood glucose levels were in range.

“The only person getting in your way is you”

You know that famous line from Divergent, “Fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up”? I cannot relate! As my trembling legs edged towards the edge of the platform, I was questioning why I’d ever wanted to sign up for this. I was told not to look down as I shifted my feet to the edge. How could I not look down? I was expected to lean forward over the edge and just jump?! I’d have to be out of my mind. Even holding my hands up and out was too much for me.

3….2…..1…..

I clung to the hand rail in absolute terror. “I can’t do it I’m scared” was chanted on repeat. The workers moved me to the edge of the platform, allowing someone else to jump (they launched off the ledge without hesitation).

I was shaking all over. But I hadn’t asked to be unclipped from the harness. I knew that I wanted to do it but didn’t know how to overcome the crippling fear. I was given a second chance and was mentally chanting jump, jump, jump. However, when I reached the edge I was shaking so uncontrollably that when the countdown started I clung to the hand rail.

“I can’t do it I’m scared”.

As I backed away from the edge, I wasn’t prepared for how disappointed I felt. Not just because it was paid for but because I had wanted to prove something to myself that day. I had been so sure I could do it. The realisation that I couldn’t was so debilitating.

One of the workers sat beside me and gave me the pep talk of a lifetime. Here are the key takeaways:

Bungee Jump Pep Talk Takeaways

• The Bungee Jump is completely safe
• Only you can get yourself over the ledge
• The only person getting in your way is you
• And no…we are not allowed to push you

The pep talk was confronting. All of his points were SO valid- I felt inspired. I couldn’t believe it when they said they were going to give me one last chance. I decided to commit and shuffled once more towards the edge.

I didn’t have to do it, but I wanted to.

3….2….1….

I reached for the hand rail and clung on for dear life. I had failed. The workers turned to me and said:

“I’m sorry but we’ve given you more than enough time and we are going to have to call it now”.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had shifted to the edge, leaned forward and screamed.

I was falling face first through the sky.

I did not stop screaming until I was safely pulled into the raft boat and taken back to the shoreline. I had made the decision and committed to it. I hadn’t let fear hold me back.

Part 3 – A Transformed Mindset in Bali

There’s something undeniably embarrassing about getting ready for a social event and turning up at it alone without knowing anyone.

Despite all of the times I had done it before, this time was just as nerve racking. I knew I needed to just approach a group and say hello. The group I shakily approached already knew each other and were leaving the hostel soon. I cringed at my poor choice and the conversation between us soon died out. They went to the bar to get a drink. I was sat on the table alone, seriously contemplating a movie night in the dorm room.

Then another group sat down and I gave it another shot. We got on really well. I went to the hostel event and actually met some people I really liked.

When you’re solo travelling, you’re not going to click with everyone. This isn’t personal and you have to be ready to bounce back and try again.

Remove expectations, smile and make peace with any outcome.

This was to be my mindset in Bali. I had my books and my blogging and I was perfectly content with my own company and my own journey.

With my medical ID on my ankle and my bag packed with emergency glucose, I knew that being able to manage my Diabetes alone was not an opinion, but a fact.

I could finally see that meeting people was a bonus and not a high pressure event. After a few days in Canggu, I wasn’t feeling the party atmosphere. I opted instead to head to Uluwatu with some girls I’d just met and then to head on to Ubud alone.

I finally understood why everyone enjoys solo travel so much. Where I wanted to go was my decision and I knew I could get myself from A to B. This wasn’t scary but actually empowering. If I wanted a new experience I could make that happen without worrying about disrupting someone else’s trip.

I was confident enough and content in my own company so it didn’t matter if I didn’t meet people or didn’t like the new place. I could just move on again. Deciding every part of my day based solely on my needs and schedule was so liberating.

I felt like I understood all the steps I needed to take from sim cards to socialising. The process had now become familiar. I signed up for hostel events and made the most of activities I enjoyed.

Each time I went out to eat, I found myself meeting other backpackers and having impromptu conversations over dinner.

The pressure and worry had gone. I was finally self assured and content.

I felt capable. I know that I can take care of myself. As this mindset shift occurred, so too did my blood sugar time in range. I had been holding so much fear of failing at managing my Diabetes. I didn’t know how to get from A to B- or I did but was too scared to try and to commit.

With every step of my trip I became more assured of my capabilities and my ability to handle things. This shift in confidence was so transformative for both my trip and Diabetes.